June 26, 2015: "Gay marriage" becomes simply "marriage."

This day is one that will forever be remembered.

I received a call from my partner who was hysterical and not able to speak clearly as he cried and gasped for air, mumbling something I couldn't understand. Once he settled down he let me know that the Supreme Court had ruled that marriage is now a basic right for everyone who wants to take part in it. Having just woken up, I couldn't follow until I started to read posts on Facebook and then on NPR. I was stunned and incredibly proud to be part of such a monumental day in history.

ALL 50 STATES WILL NOW RECOGNIZE AND ACKNOWLEDGE MARRIAGE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN, MEN AND MEN, AND WOMEN AND WOMEN!!!

I wish I could elaborate on my personal feelings on this incredible decision but I'm a bit frantic and scrambled at the moment. Hopefully I can come back on here later and really devote some time to this topic.

Love wins.

"To all who come to this happy place: Welcome."

I just wanted to come up on here to say a quick hello to everyone who comes across this blog. I've been checking the stats and audience information and I've noticed that more and more people from outside the United States are stopping by and I want to say hello and thank you for coming! Yes, I mean YOU! It means a lot to know people out there are interested or just curious about me and my life. Even if you skim this blog and never come back I still want to greet and thank you! I hope to actually connect with you guys on a level passed the blogger-reader format and make you feel like you're actually part of my day. So, with that said... I hope you all are enjoy reading the minuscule sometimes uneventful snapshots of my life.

As a quick update, everything is going well for me so far. These are the final hours of me as a YMCA family member and I will be moving on to bigger and better things with my new contract with South Bay Community Services! What's really getting me excited for this new move in my life is that the people who I've talked to about SBCS all tell me about the opportunities that this company offers its staff. Not to say that the YMCA doesn't but from personal experience I was a bit let down in the final weeks of my contract with them due to reasons out of my control. But no hard feelings! I love the YMCA of San Diego County (South Bay Family YMCA) and thank them for giving me the opportunity and opening the door to the beginning of my career.

It's been amazing doing the training's and seminars put on by my new bosses and I've gotten a whole new box of tools to help me move up and onward in my life. Luckily, I know someone already working for South Bay Community Services and so I've had the opportunity to pick his brain and learn the ways of SBCS before actually starting to work with them.

I've got three more days of summer freedom before heading back to work and it's bitter sweet: I'm actually enjoying my break for a change but I can't wait to get back into the office and start working with the new batch of kids coming into our program!

Quick!: I'm only now getting onto the "Breaking Bad" bandwagon.

Cigarettes and chocolate milk; these are just a couple of my cravings. Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger, a little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me.

[...]

And then there's those other things which for several reasons we won't mention. Everything about them is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder, a little bit deadly.

"Cleopatra used to rule but she got nothing on me now cause I'm the last girl on earth."

Today was the final day of the therapy contract that I signed a little over a year and a half. I've turned in my exit papers and now I'm left to my own devices in life. I should clear up one thing, I was never scared of therapy and have always been extremely open in my sessions. Because of this I was very scared to stop but I soon realized that there is absolutely no reason for me to have fear. Yes, therapy helped me out A LOT and I've grown into such a different person through that experience. That's not to say I still don't have work to do because, after all, I'm still alive. And like I said in my graduation speech last year, to stop learning means to stop living and I'm not ready to stop either of those things. So I thanked my therapist for the work he's done with me and assured him I'd be okay. Do I believe that? Hell yeah. I'm growing into the person I always saw myself as and have picked up things along the way that weren't exactly a part of my "big picture" but I don't regret anything I've done or what I've gone through. Without those people or experiences I would've been stuck in the same naive and young place that I was two years ago. Can I go on without the support of a therapist and a set time to express myself? Of course. And I plan to fill my days with things to keep me and my mind busy while still exploring every aspect of the person I'm growing to be. In this moment I am content. Do I think it'll last forever? Maybe. No one knows what troubles tomorrow or the next day might bring but I am more than willing to explore and see what exactly is in the horizon.

My apologies.

The post last night may have seemed quite random and out of the blue but I needed to get that off my chest. After all, that's the real purpose of this blog anyway. And I'm not going to delete that post or hide it. When I started this blog I told myself that all emotions are fair game and that I wouldn't go back and delete anything I've posted no matter how embarrassing or personal. I am using blogger as a place to be able to post what I might not otherwise be able to post anywhere else. I wanted this to be a public forum for me and anyone else who might connect with whatever I put out there. I'm aware of how public this could be and thought about that even before giving this blogger a name. You're on a ride with me and that means seeing the great and positive things in my life as well as the bad and the scary. Hopefully it gives you, the reader, a sense of who I am so that you can take my experiences and help me through them or take something for yourself.

Today I'm in a better space for the moment and currently cleaning and organizing to help me think.

Thank you guys for reading!

P.S., "Jurassic World" & "Insidious: Chapter 3" were really cool movies :D

Why in the hell?! (Quickly...)

How can I be understanding when I'm not being allowed to. I can't be understanding and say "go to bed ill talk to you later" because you say "but you want to talk" and I can't say "let's deal with this now" because you say "but I gotta be up early." Good fucking god man! Let me win! Fucking let me be understanding and give you what you're asking for! I'm being driven to insanity because I'm damned if I'm understanding and I'm damned if I'm not! Good fucking lord!

Happy Father's Day! (Quicky)

Hope everyone is having a good Father's Day. For those of you without a present dad, give your moms a big hug today. I'll be spending my day at the movies because I've been cooped up all weekend. Besides, there are some films I've been needing to see.

Yet another quicky...

Today has been THE laziest Saturday of them all. It seemed so for a lot of people. I finally got to see the latest Cinderella and fell in love! It was so good! Ending the day with another film and some dinner. But what to eat?! Anyhow, hope you all are well!

"Bettie needs her spank..."

Violet Chachki released the video for her single "Bettie" and I could not love it more. In case you've been living on Mars in the past three months you probably don't know Violet. Well, she is the reigning Queen of RuPaul's Drag Race on Logo. Her aesthetic is pin-up, leather, house-wife from the future. I was a big fan of hers on the show (and Pearl and especially Katya!) and this video just showed me why. Enjoy!

Go or Go Ahead.

"You got me writing lyrics on postcards
then in the evening looking at the stars..."

Another quicky...

Mostly updating because I've got nothing else to do. Well, I mean, I've got things I can do but we probably shouldn't go into that. The training seminar today was really interesting. It was cool to see other people who do what I do but at different locations. Tomorrow is day 2 of the 4 days total. Anyway... That's all... :/

Strength Insight Report - 5 Biggest Strengths

My job is asking me to attend some strength and self awareness seminars along with some of my coworkers and one of the things I needed to complete was a strength assessment by taking an online questionnaire about my levels of comfort regarding certain topics. Essentially this is one of those MySpace "What Type of Dog Are You?" quizzes but with a little more inside thrown in. I thought my results were really interesting and pretty spot on so I'd like to share them with you!

"...I am fucking crazy... but I am free."

“I was in the winter of my life…and the men I met along the road were my homely summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless road toward and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me…and my only real happy times. I was a singer…not a very popular one; I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But a plan and a series of unfortunate events saw those dreams dash and divide like a million stars in the night sky, that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind it because I knew that, that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it, to know what true freedom is. And when the people I used to know found out what I’d been doing, how I’d been living…they asked me why, but there’s no use in talking to people who have a home. They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people…for a home to be wherever you lie your head. I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just a hint of indecisiveness that was just as wide and wavering as the ocean. And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way, I’d be lying…because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone. Who had nothing, who wanted everything. With a fire for every experience, and an obsession for freedom, that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it. And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people. And finally I did, on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore. Except to make our lives into a work of art. Live fast…die young…be wild and have fun. I believe in the country America used to be. I’ll believe in the person I want to become. I believe in the freedom of the open road. And my motto is the same as ever. I believe in the kindness in strangers. And when I’m at war with myself, I ride. I just ride. Who are you? Are in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself, where you can experience them? I have.

I am fucking crazy.

But I am free.”

Leaving in a Honda Civic.

This is going to be a quick entry.

I thought I'd come on here and give you a quick update on things. It's two days after my 28th birthday and I just got home from spending the night at my partners house. I wish I could've stayed curled up in bed longer but I had to come back to finish the laundry I started last night. Reason is that I've got an interview with the company taking over the program at the school I currently work at. The kids are on summer break and so am I until next week comes around. Going back to my birthday, I spent it with my family in the morning and later in the evening my partner and his mom took me out to an Italian dinner. It was a really nice and relaxing day spent with the most important people in my life. Tomorrow (Saturday) I think my love and I are going to spend the day out and about. He's going to help me with a little technical issue I'm having at home and (I hope) I'll help him organize and clean up his bedroom. Either way, I'm always excited to spend ANY time with him. After two years I still feel the same excitement every time we set a date just for us.

Anyway, I'll close this entry with a lyric I keep humming as I get ready for my interview:

"So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like you'll never let me go cause I'm leaving on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again. Oh, baby, I hate to go." - J.D.

You're gone and I gotta stay high...

Life throws the craziest curveballs sometimes. Just when you think you've got it figured out you realize that you've got much more to learn. Some might say that this is also what makes life beautiful. After all, what's the point of living if you've got it all figured out?

Habits are hard to break. Especially after years of trial and error but does that mean that we're doomed to live out our lives making the same mistakes over and over and expecting different outcomes? Personally, I'm a big believer in learning from your mistakes. I think we all are but sometimes it takes a little bit more for some of us to see the lessons that life throws at us. Is this necessarily a bad thing? I don't think so. Everyone is different and we all react to different situations in different ways but who's to say that one is better than the other? Everyone has a perspective and everyone thinks that theirs is the right one. But the beauty of it all is that no matter who you are or what you believe and what you don't, we're constantly growing and learning and our ideals evolve with time. I'm probably rambling. It's near 4am and I really just needed to get on here and get some stuff off my mind.

Goodnight!

The heart really does want what it wants.

It's a little passed one in the morning and the Selena Gomez song just came on my playlist along with a rush of emotions and thoughts all at the same time. Luckily, they are good thoughts. I've never felt such a connection to a song in my entire life. The Selena Gomez track described my relationship so perfectly that it literally took my breath away the second I heard it play. Especially the monologue she recites in the music video before the song plays. I cried and sent the song to my partner when we were going through one of the toughest times in our relationship. I think he was dumbfounded by the lyrics as well.

Relationships are never easy to keep up and a lot of work is needed from both parties in order to learn and come out stronger on the other side. Sure, struggles and obstacles from the past arise but the important thing is to tackle them together so that one person doesn't feel like they're carrying more on their shoulders. I've had to do a lot of soul searching and self reflection to see the immature and often time unfair ways that I can go about treating others. I still struggle with trust issues stemming from middle school that have magnified in my relationships since. The good thing about my current situation is that the man I'm with shows me patience and above all the kindness it takes for me to take down my walls; brick by brick. Although we may trip and stumble we always catch our balance and start to walk again. Sometimes it takes hours while other times it takes days but as long as the outcome we're both working towards is positive then we can survive anything. And we have.

We haven't seen each other in a few days and my stubborn arrogance has gotten the best of me but I am a work in progress and I have to remember that so is he. I would do anything for him and still look at him with the same love in my eyes as I did the first night I realized, and verbalized, that I loved him. I know he loves me too and that's all I need at this time. Well, that and some rest seeing as I have to get an early start tomorrow for work. Our kids are promoting and moving on from the safety of a middle school they know to a high school that's completely foreign to them and I couldn't be prouder to have seen them grow into the young adults they're becoming.

Good night world!

P.S.,
In case you haven't heard it already or just need a good cry here's the video for Gomez's "The Heart Wants What It Wants."