It was almost four in the morning when I shot out of bed and started to freak out for no apparent reason. I recognized the feeling as I've had one attack before that was induced by chemicals I'd taken so I was aware of what was happening. What I didn't know was how strong the attack came about and how quickly. The thing about panic attacks is that while your body might become overrun by adrenaline there's nothing or no one you can really fight off in order to make the feeling pass. You're your own trigger. Knowing this I tried to stay as calm as possible but the wave of tingling goosebumps that washed over my head and the tightness in my throat caught me off guard and I was soon running into the main house and B-lining for the kitchen for water. The feeling began to pass but I knew I still had to do something to calm myself down even more so I locked myself in the restroom and called the first number I saw. Unfortunately he was working so I tried the next one and my former coworker actually picked up. I told her that I needed someone to talk to because I was sure I was having a panic attack and she was more than willing to help me out at 4 in the morning.
If you've never had a panic attack before then there's no point in trying to explain what it feels like because it's like nothing you've ever felt before. The first one I had wasn't this exaggerated yet this one lasted for a much shorter time. But, for thee sake of this entry let me try to paint a picture:
Having a panic attack feels like the most foreign feeling you've ever felt. It starts off with your heart kick starting into overdrive for no apparent reason. You start to feel it beating in your chest and instantly wonder if this is the moment when you will drop dead. It doesn't matter who you are or how many attacks you've had, that initial feeling of "is this going to be the one that takes me out?" is the most horrifying thing you can ever feel. You don't know if you're going to drop then and there. But then you start to flip through the Rolodex of information in your mind and begin to feel a little better when you realize you're not having the typical signs of a heart attack and stop there or else you'll misdiagnose yourself with some other illness and make yourself worse. So I try to relax and think about anything else and slow my breathing as to not make my heart work any harder but then the spikes of smaller attacks come on until I actually dump the glass of cold water down my throat. That's when I really start to breathe again and my throat loosens up enough to feel comfortable. You know that even though you're talking to yourself in an attempt to get your mind on something else you're aware that you need just a little more help. You call the person who can help you take your mind away from the hyper awareness you have of your body and luckily they answer and just like that, as soon as you open your mouth to speak, the panic attack starts to cease. Do you breathe a sigh of relief? Sure, for a little bit but you're still paying attention to the feeling in your chest to make sure it doesn't escalate again. Your throat opens and closes a few more times but you know that the feeling is passing. It doesn't matter how much adrenaline is flowing in your system, do not try to fight the feelings from coming on because you will only make it worse. I've come to find that if you start to suspect that something is wrong then your head will make the situation all the worse for you. So go through it and ride it out as best you can but whatever you do, don't think or expect the feeling to get worse because it will. What now? Standing is uncomfortable because your legs and feet are still tingling and somewhat numb yet the action of lowering yourself to sit down makes your head spin and your heart start to race again though not as badly as before. You close your eyes for a minute so that you don't get motion sickness and force your mind back off the feeling in your chest. Avoid the temptation to get up and move around. Control your trembling hands and take a breath and after a few minutes you're feeling good enough to apologize to your friend for waking her at 4AM and thank her nonstop for her time and for the help and you get back into bed.
That's what it's like to have a panic attack but, you know, worse because reading this doesn't compare to actually going through it.
XO.
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