"Let me get right to the point. I don't pop my cork for every man I see. Hey big spender!... Spend a little time on me."

So instead of rehashing the situation that I've been dealing with and going into a long entry detailing all the dirty details I'm choosing to just simplify it because I've began to move on from the whole thing. In short, my job has been handling my move into the new contracts in a sloppy manner and so the past two weeks have been hell. Basically, everything having to do with us going from two different agency contracts to just one is up in the air and we, the employees, have yet to be given a definite start day. Me being the restless, and often times poster boy dying idea of "loyalty," I've had an especially tough time dealing with this issue. So I've been more than a month without work which adds up to $0 in income and some bills going out a little bit late. Also, I had a pretty inspiring talk with my partner about really starting to think about that goal that I've always had for myself but sort of lost track of due to a tough first year of my relationship and trying to catch up from the debt I put myself in by helping my parents keep their house a few years ago. Yes, I still haven't gotten myself up to where I was financially back then. So along with the stress of work, and trying to find my path in education once again, emotions and frustrations came to a head and pretty soon my relationship was feeling the strain of all this anxiety. I won't get into the dirty details but here are the CliffsNotes:

I've never been so uncertain and scared about losing so much control over my job and not knowing exactly how I will balance or even get my foot into the right school so that I can reach that career I saw for myself 3 years ago. Having dealt with a very, um, we'll say "interesting" 3 year relationship before meeting my current partner, I've become the type of person who retreats to mind to figure things out. I'm very much an introvert and I've always heard people say that being a writer suits me because I often choose to observe others instead of inserting myself into the "story." Which is very much true. I like to watch others at a comfortable distance and either take time to think of what to say and how to say it or simply decide if the scene is fit for me to introduce myself. That's a long explanation on it's own and this post is already two paragraphs too long so we'll discuss that idea later on. So, yes, when I come across an issue that I feel is personal or too important to just let slide off my back I take a moment to think of the best strategies and outcomes that will help me make the right choices and also be fair enough so that others who may be involved are not affected too much by whatever outcome I may come to. Surprisingly, this mechanism doesn't seem to go well with others around me and I'm often times taken as being uninterested or in a childish emotional state that doesn't allow me to communicate effectively. Which is not the truth. In fact the reason why I do retreat into myself is so that I can find the correct things to say so that I could be understood and to help avoid a meltdown. I've gotten a tiny bit better at actually trying to not do that as much and just be more vocal about my thoughts but, having gone three years developing that mechanism it's a habit that's hard to break. In all honesty it's always helped me calm down and take a breath to just separate myself from the world and take a moment to reflect on all my options. I understand though when others tell me that it doesn't help my relationships because not everyone deals with conflict or stress the same way and sometimes the best intentions could be read completely the wrong way. I've been on both sides of that nickel; I've been misunderstood for an asshole and I've also misunderstood others for the same.

My partner and I have had conversations about working on both of our "flaws" or "habits" so we're definitely trying but sometimes you just can't move on no matter how much you try to talk yourself out of a negative mind frame. My best intentions were completely misread and that led to me feeling defeated and feeling like I just couldn't do anything in a manner that satisfied anyone. I threw in the towel and quickly revert back to my old behavior: letting my emotions take over and take me to a place where I felt like that 24 and 25 year old who was told he wasn't doing things correctly or in a manner that was the other person's "normal." Of course, feeling like you've been trying to fight off the grip that is known as depression in order to, not only succeed for yourself, but to succeed for the other person so that they could feel proud of you for beating that demon. Sadly, things did not turn out anywhere near that way.

Anyway, I've had a much better day today. I've been busy loosing myself in this new found love for customizing my computers and not feeling scared to press buttons to see what they do. I've been slowly moving towards the way of the future by using my laptops and phone and any other internet based thing around me to make my life a little easier and customized to my touch. I've been staying up for hours nightly just looking up information online about how to make my electronics much more efficient and secure and learning new things by myself without having to rely on someone else's knowledge of things. Also, I've set up all needed appointments having to do with work and school and my health and cleared the path towards my future by just that much more. Obviously, I still think about the other side of things and wonder what I could've done differently to avoid that unfortunate situation but I'm forcing myself to let it fall further and further behind me so that I can have a clear view forward. It sucks to think that by doing the one thing that really helps you with dealing with your demons you may actually be hurting the other person who's in your life but sometimes you just have to do things your way and be selfish. As long as you work on not going backwards and letting that habit take over every situation. Obviously I feel bad that I couldn't just say this earlier so that things wouldn't escalate and for that I am sorry. But I'm not apologizing for actually being selfish and wanting to shut everyone else out so that I can be with myself and feel balanced again. That's something I haven't felt in a while because I got into the mindset that I should be the voice of reason during some of the toughest times early on in my relationship. I forgot that the other person is an adult a few short years older than me and I'm just 28 years old who's still wrestling with where he's going to end up in a few years. I shouldn't be parenting anyone about the right and wrong things to do in a relationship. Everyone is responsible for themselves and their own actions and I don't need to waste time that could benefit me with concerns or worries about anyone who's having their own inner struggles. I'm here to fix me and to make sure that I get the best out of my life and let others figure out their own struggles so that, if the universe or God or Allah or the spaghetti monster see it as a fit, then we make it out with the same goal as individuals and a unit. It scares me to pieces that I can't control everything that comes my way but if it's meant to be then we won't have to struggle like we have been for too much longer. I'm finding a better place of understanding of myself and others and will try my damnedest to be the good person I know I am. Like the late-great Fergalicious-Definition once said, "I hope you know--I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal. Myself and I, we have some straightening out to do and I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket [...] It's time to be a big girl now and big girls don't cry." Now, please excuse me, I've got some more undiscovered country to explore via Windows 8.1.

I love you all. XO.

PS, Here's a little glimpse into what I've been doing today minus the phone calls and running around.