Hello there friends!

Wow. It has been quite a while since I have come on here and posted anything new but I've been extremely busy lately. I started my new old job at the college I used to work at. I'm back in the same office with most of the same people and loving every bit of it. Not only that but I started to put more focus on things that are important to me like my partner and my family.

Things have been going amazingly. My love is getting through his classes at National and getting amazing marks on his work. Not only that but we've both decided to cut back on "extracurricular activities" and pay attention to things that actually require our attention. He even surprised me by getting my first ever apple macbook computer and helping to turn his old classic iMac into a huge save drive for my documents. I plan on spoiling him rotten these next few weeks since we couldn't do much for his birthday since he's been working like crazy and I've been broke. Now that things are back on track for both of us I plan on showing him how much a love and value him with expensive material things. We don't do that often but we've both been working very hard and deserve it.

I'll keep this post short since I'm in bed waiting for him to get home from work and I've got an early call time tomorrow.

I promise I'll try to update more often :)

Saying good-bye to old friends and preparing for new adventures!

I know I've mentioned before how I had gone through the most difficult two years of my life from 2013 to 2015 and how I thought that things couldn't possibly get harder (if I haven't gone into details about why I'll make a mental note to explain later) but I'm slowly learning that life never takes a break from throwing out curve balls.

It started a few weeks ago when I noticed that Buffy, my oldest and first ever family dog, was becoming increasingly thin. Buffy was a small English Cocker Spaniel that I've had for 14 years and who was growing increasingly old the more each day went on. My siblings and I all knew that it was only a matter of time before she got really sick and we'd have to deal with the inevitable. Knowing she was pushing the max age for Spaniels (12-15 years old) I was preparing for the worst while dealing with my own personal growing pains and two nights ago the worst knocked on my door.

I came home and found Buffy laying under the pool table in the backyard and something told me to check on her. I got closer and saw that she had a fluid leaking from her snout or mouth area and I instantly called my partner in a panic before he agreed to meet me at the house ASAP. We thought it might have been a reaction from the warm weather and so I gently wet her neck and placed a cold towel on her head but she was unresponsive. When my partner arrived me took her into my room and saw she was barely awake. We then took her to his mom's house to clean her up and decided that she if it was her last night then we'd make it as comfortable as possible for her so that she can go easy. She hardly moved while we washed her and thought it would be best to bring her back to my place to be around familiar surroundings. The entire time I was broken inside and out. Like I said, she was my first puppy and she had been with us through everything and the thought of losing her was a notion I knew was inevitable but still incredibly painful.

I stayed up with her the entire night from Thursday to Friday and tended to her every need. Every time she slipped off her bed in a weak attempt to get up I picked her up in my arms and placed her back on the sheets. When she got sick I cleaned her up and during her dizzy spells I calmed her down with my touch to let her know she wasn't alone. At around 8AM Friday morning the both of us were able to finally get about an hour of solid sleep.

Prior to this I was told that my brother would be taking her to the vet to be put down and during my sleepless night I wondered if it was something I would be able to be present for. It wasn't up until I loaded her into the backseat of my car that I decided to go with him and his girlfriend to the vet.

The first location we tried wouldn't have an opening until today and the other places we called all said they wouldn't be able to accommodate us. I then remembered of a place where we took one of Buffy's puppies years earlier when she was sick and had to be put down so we tried them and they were able to see us in 30 minutes. We all sighed in relief and drove down with Buffy bundled up in my brothers lap.

The vet nurse was able to get us in pretty quickly and while we filled out the paperwork needed they took our pup to the back to check her out and prepare her for the shot. The nurse came back out with Buffy in a blanket and laid her on the table.

"Take as long as you need and just knock on the door when you're ready to have the doctor come in," She said before leaving the room.

My brother and I surrounded our sick friend and ran our fingers through her hair and over her thin, fragile frame. Buffy made no noise whatsoever and we let her know how strong she was for fighting for so long when her body was telling her to give up. I leaned down close to her dry nose and whispered a promise to her.

"I promise that everything will be taken care of," I whispered. "I promise your puppy Squirt and brother Petey (my chihuahua she grew up with) would be taken care of as best to our ability."

Buffy only blinked.

"I promise that it's okay to go now. The house is okay and you've given us all all the love you possibly could. You don't have to hold on anymore and can sleep in peace." My words were cut periodically by a loss of breath as tears rolled down my and my brothers face and with one last kiss on the head I knocked on the door.

The doctor came in and explained what was going to happen and then began to the process with our consent. My brother held his hand on Buffy's side and I fondled her neck while the pink medication was slowly being pushed into her IV. I couldn't do anything except kneel down and cry by her head on the table and watch her side rise and fall, slower and slower, until it completely stopped. The doctor left the room and said we could stay as long as we'd like so we did.

We pet Buffy one last time and nuzzled the top of her head while recalling memories we had of her growing up. We found ourselves laughing and smiling again and received the closure we and our friend needed. When it was all over they took her to the back for cremation and we made our way home to tell the rest of the family who were all waiting with bated breaths. Some of the details were too hard to hear but everyone felt a happy easiness knowing Buffy wasn't suffering in her old age anymore. Everyone went on with their day and I went to work but there was an ore of quiet sadness that filled our hearts and our home and even today, one day after allowing our old buddy to rest in peace, I can't help but feel like a part of me is missing. Maybe it's the piece of my heart that Buffy took with her.

I have one photo of her as she was laying in my room sleeping that no one has seen. I don't think it's the time to show anyone and honestly I don't think it'll ever be that time but it's the only photo I have of her immediately at hand and I can't bare to see it or her disappear.

So this is how I remember her: Young and full of curiosity.

Good night, little girl!

R,I.P.

Buffy

2001 - 2015

Fulfilling quickie...

I'm going back to work! I received a text and call from my boss asking if I wanted to start today. Just as I posted that previous entry last night, I feel partially whole again! I don't care if that's an oxymoron! Not only that but my diploma finally came in!

Not feeling like myself anymore...

I've been out of work since June 30th and I don't feel like myself anymore. I dealt with being on an "extended vacation" and managed to get some other things done but not having a job has really turned me into a different person and I'm not sure I enjoy it too much. I sleep for hours at a time after I have initially woken up in the morning. I eat constantly. Mostly nibbling on things like chips and candy and drinking excessive amounts of sugary drinks. I knew beforehand that being able to show up to work and trying my hardest was what gave me part of my identity but good lord... I never knew just hot much it played into my day to day emotional state. Sure, it was nice at first to have some days off but nearly a month of being away from the office and my students has put me in a place I'm not too happy about. And even though I'm surrounded by family and friends who I can reach out to I can't help but feel like something big is missing and it leaves me feeling completely alone. I'm not saying I'm going down another emotional spiral into "whoa is me" territory but I can't help but feel like I've lost something that made me equal or at least on the same platform as the rest of the world. I hope this issue is resolved soon so that I can find the piece that's missing from my soul.

XO.

Last night I had a panic attack.

It was almost four in the morning when I shot out of bed and started to freak out for no apparent reason. I recognized the feeling as I've had one attack before that was induced by chemicals I'd taken so I was aware of what was happening. What I didn't know was how strong the attack came about and how quickly. The thing about panic attacks is that while your body might become overrun by adrenaline there's nothing or no one you can really fight off in order to make the feeling pass. You're your own trigger. Knowing this I tried to stay as calm as possible but the wave of tingling goosebumps that washed over my head and the tightness in my throat caught me off guard and I was soon running into the main house and B-lining for the kitchen for water. The feeling began to pass but I knew I still had to do something to calm myself down even more so I locked myself in the restroom and called the first number I saw. Unfortunately he was working so I tried the next one and my former coworker actually picked up. I told her that I needed someone to talk to because I was sure I was having a panic attack and she was more than willing to help me out at 4 in the morning.

If you've never had a panic attack before then there's no point in trying to explain what it feels like because it's like nothing you've ever felt before. The first one I had wasn't this exaggerated yet this one lasted for a much shorter time. But, for thee sake of this entry let me try to paint a picture:

Having a panic attack feels like the most foreign feeling you've ever felt. It starts off with your heart kick starting into overdrive for no apparent reason. You start to feel it beating in your chest and instantly wonder if this is the moment when you will drop dead. It doesn't matter who you are or how many attacks you've had, that initial feeling of "is this going to be the one that takes me out?" is the most horrifying thing you can ever feel. You don't know if you're going to drop then and there. But then you start to flip through the Rolodex of information in your mind and begin to feel a little better when you realize you're not having the typical signs of a heart attack and stop there or else you'll misdiagnose yourself with some other illness and make yourself worse. So I try to relax and think about anything else and slow my breathing as to not make my heart work any harder but then the spikes of smaller attacks come on until I actually dump the glass of cold water down my throat. That's when I really start to breathe again and my throat loosens up enough to feel comfortable. You know that even though you're talking to yourself in an attempt to get your mind on something else you're aware that you need just a little more help. You call the person who can help you take your mind away from the hyper awareness you have of your body and luckily they answer and just like that, as soon as you open your mouth to speak, the panic attack starts to cease. Do you breathe a sigh of relief? Sure, for a little bit but you're still paying attention to the feeling in your chest to make sure it doesn't escalate again. Your throat opens and closes a few more times but you know that the feeling is passing. It doesn't matter how much adrenaline is flowing in your system, do not try to fight the feelings from coming on because you will only make it worse. I've come to find that if you start to suspect that something is wrong then your head will make the situation all the worse for you. So go through it and ride it out as best you can but whatever you do, don't think or expect the feeling to get worse because it will. What now? Standing is uncomfortable because your legs and feet are still tingling and somewhat numb yet the action of lowering yourself to sit down makes your head spin and your heart start to race again though not as badly as before. You close your eyes for a minute so that you don't get motion sickness and force your mind back off the feeling in your chest. Avoid the temptation to get up and move around. Control your trembling hands and take a breath and after a few minutes you're feeling good enough to apologize to your friend for waking her at 4AM and thank her nonstop for her time and for the help and you get back into bed.

That's what it's like to have a panic attack but, you know, worse because reading this doesn't compare to actually going through it.

XO.

"Let me get right to the point. I don't pop my cork for every man I see. Hey big spender!... Spend a little time on me."

So instead of rehashing the situation that I've been dealing with and going into a long entry detailing all the dirty details I'm choosing to just simplify it because I've began to move on from the whole thing. In short, my job has been handling my move into the new contracts in a sloppy manner and so the past two weeks have been hell. Basically, everything having to do with us going from two different agency contracts to just one is up in the air and we, the employees, have yet to be given a definite start day. Me being the restless, and often times poster boy dying idea of "loyalty," I've had an especially tough time dealing with this issue. So I've been more than a month without work which adds up to $0 in income and some bills going out a little bit late. Also, I had a pretty inspiring talk with my partner about really starting to think about that goal that I've always had for myself but sort of lost track of due to a tough first year of my relationship and trying to catch up from the debt I put myself in by helping my parents keep their house a few years ago. Yes, I still haven't gotten myself up to where I was financially back then. So along with the stress of work, and trying to find my path in education once again, emotions and frustrations came to a head and pretty soon my relationship was feeling the strain of all this anxiety. I won't get into the dirty details but here are the CliffsNotes:

I've never been so uncertain and scared about losing so much control over my job and not knowing exactly how I will balance or even get my foot into the right school so that I can reach that career I saw for myself 3 years ago. Having dealt with a very, um, we'll say "interesting" 3 year relationship before meeting my current partner, I've become the type of person who retreats to mind to figure things out. I'm very much an introvert and I've always heard people say that being a writer suits me because I often choose to observe others instead of inserting myself into the "story." Which is very much true. I like to watch others at a comfortable distance and either take time to think of what to say and how to say it or simply decide if the scene is fit for me to introduce myself. That's a long explanation on it's own and this post is already two paragraphs too long so we'll discuss that idea later on. So, yes, when I come across an issue that I feel is personal or too important to just let slide off my back I take a moment to think of the best strategies and outcomes that will help me make the right choices and also be fair enough so that others who may be involved are not affected too much by whatever outcome I may come to. Surprisingly, this mechanism doesn't seem to go well with others around me and I'm often times taken as being uninterested or in a childish emotional state that doesn't allow me to communicate effectively. Which is not the truth. In fact the reason why I do retreat into myself is so that I can find the correct things to say so that I could be understood and to help avoid a meltdown. I've gotten a tiny bit better at actually trying to not do that as much and just be more vocal about my thoughts but, having gone three years developing that mechanism it's a habit that's hard to break. In all honesty it's always helped me calm down and take a breath to just separate myself from the world and take a moment to reflect on all my options. I understand though when others tell me that it doesn't help my relationships because not everyone deals with conflict or stress the same way and sometimes the best intentions could be read completely the wrong way. I've been on both sides of that nickel; I've been misunderstood for an asshole and I've also misunderstood others for the same.

My partner and I have had conversations about working on both of our "flaws" or "habits" so we're definitely trying but sometimes you just can't move on no matter how much you try to talk yourself out of a negative mind frame. My best intentions were completely misread and that led to me feeling defeated and feeling like I just couldn't do anything in a manner that satisfied anyone. I threw in the towel and quickly revert back to my old behavior: letting my emotions take over and take me to a place where I felt like that 24 and 25 year old who was told he wasn't doing things correctly or in a manner that was the other person's "normal." Of course, feeling like you've been trying to fight off the grip that is known as depression in order to, not only succeed for yourself, but to succeed for the other person so that they could feel proud of you for beating that demon. Sadly, things did not turn out anywhere near that way.

Anyway, I've had a much better day today. I've been busy loosing myself in this new found love for customizing my computers and not feeling scared to press buttons to see what they do. I've been slowly moving towards the way of the future by using my laptops and phone and any other internet based thing around me to make my life a little easier and customized to my touch. I've been staying up for hours nightly just looking up information online about how to make my electronics much more efficient and secure and learning new things by myself without having to rely on someone else's knowledge of things. Also, I've set up all needed appointments having to do with work and school and my health and cleared the path towards my future by just that much more. Obviously, I still think about the other side of things and wonder what I could've done differently to avoid that unfortunate situation but I'm forcing myself to let it fall further and further behind me so that I can have a clear view forward. It sucks to think that by doing the one thing that really helps you with dealing with your demons you may actually be hurting the other person who's in your life but sometimes you just have to do things your way and be selfish. As long as you work on not going backwards and letting that habit take over every situation. Obviously I feel bad that I couldn't just say this earlier so that things wouldn't escalate and for that I am sorry. But I'm not apologizing for actually being selfish and wanting to shut everyone else out so that I can be with myself and feel balanced again. That's something I haven't felt in a while because I got into the mindset that I should be the voice of reason during some of the toughest times early on in my relationship. I forgot that the other person is an adult a few short years older than me and I'm just 28 years old who's still wrestling with where he's going to end up in a few years. I shouldn't be parenting anyone about the right and wrong things to do in a relationship. Everyone is responsible for themselves and their own actions and I don't need to waste time that could benefit me with concerns or worries about anyone who's having their own inner struggles. I'm here to fix me and to make sure that I get the best out of my life and let others figure out their own struggles so that, if the universe or God or Allah or the spaghetti monster see it as a fit, then we make it out with the same goal as individuals and a unit. It scares me to pieces that I can't control everything that comes my way but if it's meant to be then we won't have to struggle like we have been for too much longer. I'm finding a better place of understanding of myself and others and will try my damnedest to be the good person I know I am. Like the late-great Fergalicious-Definition once said, "I hope you know--I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal. Myself and I, we have some straightening out to do and I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket [...] It's time to be a big girl now and big girls don't cry." Now, please excuse me, I've got some more undiscovered country to explore via Windows 8.1.

I love you all. XO.

PS, Here's a little glimpse into what I've been doing today minus the phone calls and running around.

June 26, 2015: "Gay marriage" becomes simply "marriage."

This day is one that will forever be remembered.

I received a call from my partner who was hysterical and not able to speak clearly as he cried and gasped for air, mumbling something I couldn't understand. Once he settled down he let me know that the Supreme Court had ruled that marriage is now a basic right for everyone who wants to take part in it. Having just woken up, I couldn't follow until I started to read posts on Facebook and then on NPR. I was stunned and incredibly proud to be part of such a monumental day in history.

ALL 50 STATES WILL NOW RECOGNIZE AND ACKNOWLEDGE MARRIAGE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN, MEN AND MEN, AND WOMEN AND WOMEN!!!

I wish I could elaborate on my personal feelings on this incredible decision but I'm a bit frantic and scrambled at the moment. Hopefully I can come back on here later and really devote some time to this topic.

Love wins.

"To all who come to this happy place: Welcome."

I just wanted to come up on here to say a quick hello to everyone who comes across this blog. I've been checking the stats and audience information and I've noticed that more and more people from outside the United States are stopping by and I want to say hello and thank you for coming! Yes, I mean YOU! It means a lot to know people out there are interested or just curious about me and my life. Even if you skim this blog and never come back I still want to greet and thank you! I hope to actually connect with you guys on a level passed the blogger-reader format and make you feel like you're actually part of my day. So, with that said... I hope you all are enjoy reading the minuscule sometimes uneventful snapshots of my life.

As a quick update, everything is going well for me so far. These are the final hours of me as a YMCA family member and I will be moving on to bigger and better things with my new contract with South Bay Community Services! What's really getting me excited for this new move in my life is that the people who I've talked to about SBCS all tell me about the opportunities that this company offers its staff. Not to say that the YMCA doesn't but from personal experience I was a bit let down in the final weeks of my contract with them due to reasons out of my control. But no hard feelings! I love the YMCA of San Diego County (South Bay Family YMCA) and thank them for giving me the opportunity and opening the door to the beginning of my career.

It's been amazing doing the training's and seminars put on by my new bosses and I've gotten a whole new box of tools to help me move up and onward in my life. Luckily, I know someone already working for South Bay Community Services and so I've had the opportunity to pick his brain and learn the ways of SBCS before actually starting to work with them.

I've got three more days of summer freedom before heading back to work and it's bitter sweet: I'm actually enjoying my break for a change but I can't wait to get back into the office and start working with the new batch of kids coming into our program!

Quick!: I'm only now getting onto the "Breaking Bad" bandwagon.

Cigarettes and chocolate milk; these are just a couple of my cravings. Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger, a little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me.

[...]

And then there's those other things which for several reasons we won't mention. Everything about them is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder, a little bit deadly.

"Cleopatra used to rule but she got nothing on me now cause I'm the last girl on earth."

Today was the final day of the therapy contract that I signed a little over a year and a half. I've turned in my exit papers and now I'm left to my own devices in life. I should clear up one thing, I was never scared of therapy and have always been extremely open in my sessions. Because of this I was very scared to stop but I soon realized that there is absolutely no reason for me to have fear. Yes, therapy helped me out A LOT and I've grown into such a different person through that experience. That's not to say I still don't have work to do because, after all, I'm still alive. And like I said in my graduation speech last year, to stop learning means to stop living and I'm not ready to stop either of those things. So I thanked my therapist for the work he's done with me and assured him I'd be okay. Do I believe that? Hell yeah. I'm growing into the person I always saw myself as and have picked up things along the way that weren't exactly a part of my "big picture" but I don't regret anything I've done or what I've gone through. Without those people or experiences I would've been stuck in the same naive and young place that I was two years ago. Can I go on without the support of a therapist and a set time to express myself? Of course. And I plan to fill my days with things to keep me and my mind busy while still exploring every aspect of the person I'm growing to be. In this moment I am content. Do I think it'll last forever? Maybe. No one knows what troubles tomorrow or the next day might bring but I am more than willing to explore and see what exactly is in the horizon.

My apologies.

The post last night may have seemed quite random and out of the blue but I needed to get that off my chest. After all, that's the real purpose of this blog anyway. And I'm not going to delete that post or hide it. When I started this blog I told myself that all emotions are fair game and that I wouldn't go back and delete anything I've posted no matter how embarrassing or personal. I am using blogger as a place to be able to post what I might not otherwise be able to post anywhere else. I wanted this to be a public forum for me and anyone else who might connect with whatever I put out there. I'm aware of how public this could be and thought about that even before giving this blogger a name. You're on a ride with me and that means seeing the great and positive things in my life as well as the bad and the scary. Hopefully it gives you, the reader, a sense of who I am so that you can take my experiences and help me through them or take something for yourself.

Today I'm in a better space for the moment and currently cleaning and organizing to help me think.

Thank you guys for reading!

P.S., "Jurassic World" & "Insidious: Chapter 3" were really cool movies :D

Why in the hell?! (Quickly...)

How can I be understanding when I'm not being allowed to. I can't be understanding and say "go to bed ill talk to you later" because you say "but you want to talk" and I can't say "let's deal with this now" because you say "but I gotta be up early." Good fucking god man! Let me win! Fucking let me be understanding and give you what you're asking for! I'm being driven to insanity because I'm damned if I'm understanding and I'm damned if I'm not! Good fucking lord!

Happy Father's Day! (Quicky)

Hope everyone is having a good Father's Day. For those of you without a present dad, give your moms a big hug today. I'll be spending my day at the movies because I've been cooped up all weekend. Besides, there are some films I've been needing to see.

Yet another quicky...

Today has been THE laziest Saturday of them all. It seemed so for a lot of people. I finally got to see the latest Cinderella and fell in love! It was so good! Ending the day with another film and some dinner. But what to eat?! Anyhow, hope you all are well!

"Bettie needs her spank..."

Violet Chachki released the video for her single "Bettie" and I could not love it more. In case you've been living on Mars in the past three months you probably don't know Violet. Well, she is the reigning Queen of RuPaul's Drag Race on Logo. Her aesthetic is pin-up, leather, house-wife from the future. I was a big fan of hers on the show (and Pearl and especially Katya!) and this video just showed me why. Enjoy!

Go or Go Ahead.

"You got me writing lyrics on postcards
then in the evening looking at the stars..."

Another quicky...

Mostly updating because I've got nothing else to do. Well, I mean, I've got things I can do but we probably shouldn't go into that. The training seminar today was really interesting. It was cool to see other people who do what I do but at different locations. Tomorrow is day 2 of the 4 days total. Anyway... That's all... :/

Strength Insight Report - 5 Biggest Strengths

My job is asking me to attend some strength and self awareness seminars along with some of my coworkers and one of the things I needed to complete was a strength assessment by taking an online questionnaire about my levels of comfort regarding certain topics. Essentially this is one of those MySpace "What Type of Dog Are You?" quizzes but with a little more inside thrown in. I thought my results were really interesting and pretty spot on so I'd like to share them with you!

"...I am fucking crazy... but I am free."

“I was in the winter of my life…and the men I met along the road were my homely summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless road toward and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me…and my only real happy times. I was a singer…not a very popular one; I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But a plan and a series of unfortunate events saw those dreams dash and divide like a million stars in the night sky, that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind it because I knew that, that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it, to know what true freedom is. And when the people I used to know found out what I’d been doing, how I’d been living…they asked me why, but there’s no use in talking to people who have a home. They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people…for a home to be wherever you lie your head. I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just a hint of indecisiveness that was just as wide and wavering as the ocean. And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way, I’d be lying…because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone. Who had nothing, who wanted everything. With a fire for every experience, and an obsession for freedom, that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it. And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people. And finally I did, on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore. Except to make our lives into a work of art. Live fast…die young…be wild and have fun. I believe in the country America used to be. I’ll believe in the person I want to become. I believe in the freedom of the open road. And my motto is the same as ever. I believe in the kindness in strangers. And when I’m at war with myself, I ride. I just ride. Who are you? Are in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself, where you can experience them? I have.

I am fucking crazy.

But I am free.”

Leaving in a Honda Civic.

This is going to be a quick entry.

I thought I'd come on here and give you a quick update on things. It's two days after my 28th birthday and I just got home from spending the night at my partners house. I wish I could've stayed curled up in bed longer but I had to come back to finish the laundry I started last night. Reason is that I've got an interview with the company taking over the program at the school I currently work at. The kids are on summer break and so am I until next week comes around. Going back to my birthday, I spent it with my family in the morning and later in the evening my partner and his mom took me out to an Italian dinner. It was a really nice and relaxing day spent with the most important people in my life. Tomorrow (Saturday) I think my love and I are going to spend the day out and about. He's going to help me with a little technical issue I'm having at home and (I hope) I'll help him organize and clean up his bedroom. Either way, I'm always excited to spend ANY time with him. After two years I still feel the same excitement every time we set a date just for us.

Anyway, I'll close this entry with a lyric I keep humming as I get ready for my interview:

"So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like you'll never let me go cause I'm leaving on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again. Oh, baby, I hate to go." - J.D.

You're gone and I gotta stay high...

Life throws the craziest curveballs sometimes. Just when you think you've got it figured out you realize that you've got much more to learn. Some might say that this is also what makes life beautiful. After all, what's the point of living if you've got it all figured out?

Habits are hard to break. Especially after years of trial and error but does that mean that we're doomed to live out our lives making the same mistakes over and over and expecting different outcomes? Personally, I'm a big believer in learning from your mistakes. I think we all are but sometimes it takes a little bit more for some of us to see the lessons that life throws at us. Is this necessarily a bad thing? I don't think so. Everyone is different and we all react to different situations in different ways but who's to say that one is better than the other? Everyone has a perspective and everyone thinks that theirs is the right one. But the beauty of it all is that no matter who you are or what you believe and what you don't, we're constantly growing and learning and our ideals evolve with time. I'm probably rambling. It's near 4am and I really just needed to get on here and get some stuff off my mind.

Goodnight!

The heart really does want what it wants.

It's a little passed one in the morning and the Selena Gomez song just came on my playlist along with a rush of emotions and thoughts all at the same time. Luckily, they are good thoughts. I've never felt such a connection to a song in my entire life. The Selena Gomez track described my relationship so perfectly that it literally took my breath away the second I heard it play. Especially the monologue she recites in the music video before the song plays. I cried and sent the song to my partner when we were going through one of the toughest times in our relationship. I think he was dumbfounded by the lyrics as well.

Relationships are never easy to keep up and a lot of work is needed from both parties in order to learn and come out stronger on the other side. Sure, struggles and obstacles from the past arise but the important thing is to tackle them together so that one person doesn't feel like they're carrying more on their shoulders. I've had to do a lot of soul searching and self reflection to see the immature and often time unfair ways that I can go about treating others. I still struggle with trust issues stemming from middle school that have magnified in my relationships since. The good thing about my current situation is that the man I'm with shows me patience and above all the kindness it takes for me to take down my walls; brick by brick. Although we may trip and stumble we always catch our balance and start to walk again. Sometimes it takes hours while other times it takes days but as long as the outcome we're both working towards is positive then we can survive anything. And we have.

We haven't seen each other in a few days and my stubborn arrogance has gotten the best of me but I am a work in progress and I have to remember that so is he. I would do anything for him and still look at him with the same love in my eyes as I did the first night I realized, and verbalized, that I loved him. I know he loves me too and that's all I need at this time. Well, that and some rest seeing as I have to get an early start tomorrow for work. Our kids are promoting and moving on from the safety of a middle school they know to a high school that's completely foreign to them and I couldn't be prouder to have seen them grow into the young adults they're becoming.

Good night world!

P.S.,
In case you haven't heard it already or just need a good cry here's the video for Gomez's "The Heart Wants What It Wants."

Started from the top now I'm here.

It's hard to say what purpose this journal will serve me. But, with my therapy coming to an end pretty soon (more on that later, I promise), I know I'll need a place to vent and put down my accomplishments as well as my fears and defeats. So today I give you the simplified version of who I am and the reason for this Blogger.

My name is Ivan and I'm a 27 year old Mexican transplant from Ahualulco, MX. I've been with my current partner in crime for the past 2 years and couldn't be happier with our relationship. Of course, we have our very real faults like all human beings on this beautiful blue marble but those faults are exactly what keep us tied to each other in a way I've never experienced or thought possible before.

I started therapy around the start of my relationship for reasons stemming from a rocky adolescence but I'd be foolish to say that my relationship has kept me in therapy for the past year and a half. But even still I wouldn't change anything about what I and we have gone through. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger... or at least builds your tolerance. I digress...

This is just the first entry and I want to keep you coming for more so I won't reveal too much just yet. How much am I willing to divulge for you, the reader? That's something I'll have to think about as the entries go on and on.

Until next time!